Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
