Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
hell yes lets make some ravioli
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
