it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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