Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
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