Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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