So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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