Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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