I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
