I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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