Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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