I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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