she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This is the high leading the old right now
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
