First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
