I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just googled if crying burns calories
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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