No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
