Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
