Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Someone signed my nipple.
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