I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
