hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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