I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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