I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
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He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
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I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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