i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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