I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
