I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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