my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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