If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
