the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
