What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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