Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
