I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
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dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
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I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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