Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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