Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
