..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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