grandma shit on top of the toilet
if only i could text you this smell
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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