Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
