shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
