My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
