watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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