Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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