mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
