these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
