I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
