Texts From Last Night

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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy

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  (778): I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy http://tfl.nu/o3jf
  Replies (19) Good night (5726) Bad night (1387)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.

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  (256): I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them. http://tfl.nu/zwx2
  Replies (31) Good night (1491) Bad night (5490)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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  (519): I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick http://tfl.nu/bx5i
  Replies (18) Good night (2011) Bad night (5672)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"

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  (503): He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy" http://tfl.nu/s0u1
  Replies (14) Good night (4256) Bad night (1159)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...

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  (705): APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk... http://tfl.nu/biv4
  Replies (5) Good night (3765) Bad night (1055)
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech

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  (808): you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech http://tfl.nu/bl5m
  Replies (25) Good night (4641) Bad night (1497)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.

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  (910): shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose. http://tfl.nu/5ocp
  Replies (2) Good night (1539) Bad night (2433)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off

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  (314): Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off http://tfl.nu/sr25
  Replies (2) Good night (2232) Bad night (1033)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.

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  (775): True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob. http://tfl.nu/jwe6
  Replies (8) Good night (1150) Bad night (576)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.

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  (913): I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched. http://tfl.nu/3b2v
  Replies (14) Good night (1290) Bad night (1590)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.

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  (617): Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee. http://tfl.nu/9xkv
  Replies (2) Good night (2227) Bad night (609)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?

  (1+44): View more from

  It's a podium place so yeah...

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  (+44): Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right? (1+44): It's a podium place so yeah... http://tfl.nu/cezg
  Replies (8) Good night (1423) Bad night (494)
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  (646): View more from New York

  Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.

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  (646): Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with. http://tfl.nu/g4xi
  Replies (5) Good night (677) Bad night (1010)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM

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  (403): I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM (403): BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM http://tfl.nu/wdql
  Replies (3) Good night (639) Bad night (342)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.

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  (724): Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins. http://tfl.nu/ixo6
  Replies (2) Good night (819) Bad night (251)

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