Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
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i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
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She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..