College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
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There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
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Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.