look no pants
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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