I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
