Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
