My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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