I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
