I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
