I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
