he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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