my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
