this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
