The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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