How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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