tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
