They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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