if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
