we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
