i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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