i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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