I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
