This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
