How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
