i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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